Appetites
by CreamCheeseAlchemist
Summary: Gluttony may have just found the perfect man to satisfy his cravings. If something in the previous sentence disturbs you, please do not read this story. It's weird. Each chapter gets worse.
1. Chapter 1

FMA isn't mine. If you read this and think it's either marketable, canon or both… you're worse off than me. 

Gluttony hated waiting for food.

Perhaps it had to do with his insatiable appetite.

But here he was, waiting for dinner in hopes of satisfying a new appetite he'd picked up on.

Why must food be cooked? It takes so long.

Loooooooooooooooooooooooooooong…

Long, long, long, taking too long…

Gluttony couldn't take it any more. It had been the longest eight seconds of his life.

Must food really be cooked?

"It's ready. A little raw, but…"

Gluttony just grabbed the piles of meat out of Roy Mustang's hands and gobbled them up.

Roy blinked in surprise as Gluttony leapt up with a big smile, meat juice dribbling down his chin.

"It was worth waiting for, wasn't it?" Roy beamed; smoke still coming from his gloved hands.

Gluttony looked as thoughtful as he was capable of.

"You're certainly not going to get anyone else cooking meat so fast…" Roy began.

"But I'm not patient. I want everything now and tons of it!" Gluttony whined.

"It may take me a couple of seconds to cook your meat but you don't have to wait for the _other_ thing."

Gluttony gave Roy a toothy grin. He'd found the perfect person to fulfill his appetites while none of his fellow homunculi were getting fed or laid.

THE END. Roy/Gluttony, doesn't that make you feel all warm inside?


	2. Chapter 2

Ok, here's the sequel… it's much worse and further non-canon.

Roy Mustang rushed in, utterly terrified.

And there was his Gluttony, his dear beloved partner, munching on what was once Edward Elric.

"No," Roy murmured.

Gluttony looked up, with the look of a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

"Do you know what you've done?" Roy asked in a cold tone, his eyes covered under his bangs.

"Bit small for a snack, I know." Gluttony almost resembled a clown, with the blood around his lips.

Roy was shuddering, "You- you could have gotten sick, eating raw meat like that. Salmonella, e. coli, any number of things…"

Gluttony looked away, guiltily. This probably wasn't a valid health concern for homunculi but Roy was overprotective and Gluttony too stupid to know any better.

Roy sighed, "I know 8 seconds is a long time to wait for food."

"Uh huh," Gluttony replied.

Out of the corner of his eye, Roy spotted the remains of Ed and it hit him.

Roy grinned at Gluttony, "I know exactly what to do."

Roy cut up the rest of Ed into little pieces, cooking them one by one.

Gluttony gobbled them up with absolute relish.

And Roy's other fear, that of Gluttony choking to death on food, was dispelled as well.


	3. Spoilers, be warned!

Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa and Aniplex.

If this or any of the preceding chapters makes you think otherwise…

SPOILERS for end of series.

From the corner of his one remaining eye, Roy Mustang couldn't help but initially identify the young man seated across his desk as Edward Elric.

Preoccupation was mainly to blame, however. Within a few hours of returning from the gate, Ed had wound up as a snack for Gluttony. All Roy could do was help his lover finish up the remains as thoroughly, safely and healthy as he could.

Roy took a deep breath as he sat down. "Alphonse, what can I do for you?"

Alphonse Elric looked around anxiously before murmuring, "I've been feeling like Ed came back."

Roy's stomach dropped, but he kept a cool front. But to be safe, he rolled his chair towards the window- away from Al's painfully earnest, innocent face.

What could be worse than coming out and just saying, "Oh yes. Edward _did_ come back. Unfortunately he ran into Gluttony and wound up as a light afternoon snack." Roy winced at the thought of Al seeking revenge on his beloved Gluttony. But he did consider the blonde a friend nonetheless. So what to give him? The awful truth? False hope?

Roy took a deep breath before facing Al again. Al's bottom lip was quivering.

And then Roy got a phone call.

"I threw up the snack from yesterday," Gluttony mumbled on the other end.

Roy broke into a wide grin, "Ok, just leave it there. We'll take care of it when I get back."

"Wasn't going to anyway," Gluttony admitted.

"Al, there is always hope. Why even if Ed was eaten by… let's say, Gluttony, I'm sure he'd find his way back to you… even if it meant getting thrown up and transmuted!"

Al stared in shock before giving Roy Mustang a smile, "You sure have a funny way of putting things."

As soon as Al left, Roy called Gluttony back. "By all means, please don't clean an inch of your throw-up."

Roy hung up, finding himself staring at Riza Hawkeye. He opened his mouth, ready to explain.

"Please don't try to explain, sir. It's bound to be worse than I think."

Roy shook his head and collapsed back into his chair.


	4. Cream Cheese Alchemist

Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa and Aniplex.

As much as he loved Gluttony, Roy couldn't help but feel a twinge of sickness as he drew out a transmutation circle around the vomited remains of the Fullmetal Alchemist. But that paled in comparison to his fear. What if Edward's death was discovered? His Gluttony would be in great danger.

Roy glanced over at Gluttony. "Please don't eat that. I might need to use it as a containment vessel for Ed."

When he was happy, Gluttony was hungry.

When he was sad, Gluttony was hungry.

When he was thoughtful, Gluttony was hungry.

But his hunger was strongest when it came to Roy Mustang. His desire for the Flame Alchemist was so strong that he was unable to eat the man, no matter how hungry he was.

He just watched the man he loved with complete awe. Light flashed and the vomit began to change shape.

"Gluttony, you didn't cover Edward in anything when you ate him, did you?" Roy asked sternly.

Gluttony bit his lip, looking away nervously.

Edward Elric blinked as he moved a hand in view. He didn't feel automail anymore. He felt… he felt… "Cream cheese!"

Yes, Edward was now made entirely of cream cheese as a result of being eaten, thrown up and transmuted.

And was he fuming.

Gluttony and Roy were in deep trouble now.


	5. Spread too thin

Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa and Aniplex. This is truly getting worse, believe it or not.

If there was one thing that made Edward Elric angrier than being called short, it was being transmuted into cream cheese.

"I'm going to kill you!"

Roy Mustang ducked as Ed lunged at him. Roy grimaced as he felt something wet against his cheek.

Blood?

Roy brushed a glove against his cheek and looked at the creamy white stain. "This is the best you can do?"

Gluttony gulped.

Ed smirked, grabbing a hold of a knife. He lay down and began to spread his cream cheese body thin.

Roy cocked his head, totally at a loss about the scene he was witnessing. What had his great love affair with Gluttony wrought?

Ed began laughing madly, "You see… once I'm thin enough to enter your system… You won't be able to be breath after I'm done with you!"

"Don't be stupid, Ed. You can't suffocate a human being with cream cheese even if he possibly may vaguely remotely deserves it in some way," Roy insisted.

Gluttony walked into the kitchen, a knowing expression on his face.

"Please, Ed. Your brother won't care if you're cream cheese. He'll be happy enough to see you again. Don't spread yourself thin- you could kill yourself and then Al would be really sad," Roy pleaded.

"Sad about what?" a voice called out.

"Sorry but the kid wouldn't leave me and my girlfriend alone. I hope you don't mind we broke into your place…" Havoc began.

Roy looked at the three visitors in horror.

Alphonse Elric was frozen in shock, "Nii-san?"

Havoc's jaw dropped open, the cigarette falling from his lips and his arm limply falling away from his "girlfriend". While Barry the Chopper was somewhat a convincing woman in life, now only an idiot would consider a suit of armor in a dress to be a woman. "Jean, you have weird friends," Barry murmured.

Al rushed to his brother, "Niiisan, don't!"

Ed pulled the knife towards his chest, "Don't come any close or I'll… I'll…"

Al burst out in tears, "Niiiiiiiiiiiiisaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!"

Roy fell to his knees. Everything that could possibly go wrong in such a perfect relationship had.

And then, Gluttony returned from the kitchen. His arms were full of small round plastic boxes and a triumphant look on his face. And Roy's eyes were wide with wonder. Despite all the nights of meaningful romance and hot sex they'd shared, only now did Roy recognize who Gluttony was prior to being a homunculus.


	6. Gluttony's identity revealed!

Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa and Aniplex. If you've gotten this far you must be quite aware this resembles the likes of Cromartie High School and BoBoBo more than FMA, none of which I own. And it's worth mentioning that the bulk of my knowledge of FMA comes from the following: the DVDs and manga released so far in the US, and this summer's coverage of the anime's ending and movie in Animedia. If Winry has encountered Gluttony in canon, I apologize and point you once again to Cream Cheese Ed. There's no way this story can be remotely canon to begin with.

"I-I-I- I killed you!" Roy whispered in complete amazement as Gluttony walked over to the Elric brothers.

"Don't come near me, any of you!" Ed shrieked.

Al wailed even louder, "Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!"

Gluttony stopped dead in his tracks, right next to Roy. He took his lover's hand in his own. Roy couldn't believe it. Even though Gluttony remembered what he was prior to being a homunculus, he still wanted to be with the man who'd killed him!

Ed looked up at his miserable little brother, his cream cheese eyes wide.

Al just punched him, getting cream cheese all over his fist.

Silence.

Ed let go of the knife.

Havoc and Barry just looked at each other.

Al dropped to his knees, wrapping his arms around Ed and getting more cream cheese stains. "I don't care if you're cream cheese, you're still my big brother!"

"Al."

"Niiisan."

"Al."

"Niiisan."

This exchange went on for about an hour, and Ed was spreading more and more onto his little brother's clothes.

In the meantime, Havoc and Barry went off to make out. They left the door open.

Winry Rockbell had arrived in Central some hours earlier. She'd spent the whole night looking for Al, after he'd written her about sensing Ed was back. And now, she'd finally found him at Roy Mustang's place.

Inside was a sight that shocked her to the core.

It wasn't Ed's return or his cream cheese form.

It wasn't the two Elric brothers hugging and crying and being spread on the other.

It wasn't Havoc and the suit of armor in a dress making out in the park outside.

It wasn't even Roy Mustang holding hands with a man.

It was, it was…

Gluttony let go of the stacks of cream cheese containers and Roy's hand. "Winry?"

"Dad?"

TBC… probably a chapter left of this nonsensical story. : D


	7. The End

Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa and Aniplex. I assume you've read the chapters before this one. Still here means you know what you're in for and how outside canon we've come. Enjoy!

Gluttony ran up to his daughter, "Oh, Winry. You look just your mother!"

Winry flung her arms around Gluttony. It was a beautiful reunion.

"Awwww. And I'm still cream cheese," Ed hissed.

"Niisan," Al sniffed.

Without a look in his direction, Winry still managed to throw a wrench right at Ed.

No thud.

Winry blinked, then looked over at the Elric brothers. Al had cream cheese spread all over. Ed was just staring down at the cream cheese-covered wrench at his feet. "Wow. That didn't hurt."

Gluttony smiled, "Roy-chan, would you get me those cream cheese containers? This proves my theory."

10 minutes later, the former doctor Rockbell was at Ed's side- knife in hand. "So this experience will serve you in at least one way. As cream cheese, you are free from pain and you can spread on more of the stuff to make yourself taller."

"Equivalent exchange," Roy chuckled.

"That doesn't let you off the hook," Ed growled. "I don't want to live the rest of my life as cream cheese."

"I'll do whatever it takes to help you, niisan," Al insisted.

_Epilogue_

Riza Hawkeye somehow got suckered into hosting the bridal shower for Havoc's girlfriend.

Jean Havoc and Barry the Chopper are now happily married. Jean still hasn't figured out that a suit of armor in a dress is not a woman.

Scar became a car racer and was nicknamed "Racer X" by the media.

Winry Rockbell spends half her time in Resembool, and half the time in Central with her dad Gluttony and stepdad Roy. Maybe it was something Gluttony ate, but now Winry's got a little brother named Maes Rockbell Mustang.

Edward and Alphonse ended up in another alternate universe. Both with their original bodies, they stuck out like a pair of sore thumbs. Their new world was populated solely by cream cheese people.

THE END


End file.
